When you keep crossing paths with a stranger, is it just coincidence? Or is destiny trying to tell you something?
Well, I swear to the high heavens, di ko sinasadya. We were together in one group event. At the time, I noticed there really was an attraction between us. But I kinda put them aside. Why would I? I'm not really someone who would entertain a total stranger. So we were not able to exchange our numbers back then.
Fast forward to a few months later. He accompanied his girlfriend to attend an event I co-organized. I swear he didn't have any recall. I did not recognized him at the time I first met him because I was so busy with a lot of things. But I knew I must have met him somewhere because the moment I saw his smile, I knew I must have seen it before. I just couldn't figure it out where.
Then we became Facebook friends. I no longer recall who added who first. But from then on, we sort of chatted for quite sometime. And because I was vulnerable and so devastated having been dumped from my previous relationship and was indeed longing for a dose of love, care and attention...I gave into him.
He was honest enough to say that he really planned on tricking me into it. And I, being naive and vulnerable, eventually fell for his trap. A trap I wish I had never known. In just a few days, I felt I am a stranger. This is not me. I have instantly turned into a heartless beast--a bitch for that matter. I no longer cared if he has a girlfriend or wife, all I cared about was how happy I am to be with this guy. He made me feel so good and so bad at the same time. His girlfriend did not deserve all of these. She was also very nice to me.
But then again I swear, hindi ko sinasadya to fall for him that easily. I am trying to guard my heart now. I do not want to be emotionally connected with him because i fear pain and I do not trust this guy that much. He's such a sweet talker, he knows very well about women's weakness.
I do not know how long I will make myself woven in this kind of mess. Guilt would sometimes remind me that karma will eventually come for me. Deep in my heart i know I deserve a better man. Deep in my heart I know i am not happy doing all these things. Inside, I know I am dying and on the verge of self destruction.
I had given this man everything I used to hold dear. Why was i too stupid to do that? Because the man I used to love treated me like garbage, discarded me and gave me nothing but heartaches.
I wanted to become a fiercer me. I tried every single thing i never even thought I would do. All my fantasies were realized by this man. He has given me attention--something I had been craving and yearning for from my last relationship. But I had to pay up for everything. For the guilt each time i had to face his girlfriend, the morality issue deep inside me for doing something that's truly against my principles, the fear that karmic debt will be asking me to pay up and the image and reputation that's now been tainted with something else. I am such a disappointment for my mom who used to think I was the "perfect daughter."
But in just a flick of finger, I am now someone you wouldn't even be proud to call a friend. The lure of forbidden love---I do not even know or am not so sure if love is the right terminology for this. It is more lust than love. For I am pretty sure the guy was simply just using me. It is not possible for someone like him to love me that easily. There was no way I'm gonna believe in love at first sight.
I do not have any idea where all these stupidity will take me. I do not like this feeling. I do enjoy it a lot but I know it will eventually end on its own. And hopefully, I will have to say goodbye to this part of me, i never even knew existed....
When
