No Strings Attached

Do you have a boyfriend right now? This is one of the questions I always encounter that I once found hard to answer directly, not to mention, quickly because I saw it not as a close-ended question but a puzzle. Writing about love wasn't as easy as I thought it would be. For one, it's hard to write about love without revealing something personal about myself. It's was like I'm serailizing my life story for my blog. Not that there's a lot to reveal, mind you. I doubt if it would ever be exciting for my readers. In the first place, there's no love life to speak of. Nada. I have this creepy feeling that at my age, (yes, I'm nearing my late 30's), I've got the least exciting love life. 

I'm not an attention-seeker serial flirter that's why I have no clear idea why I am one of the chosen few who got caught in a complicated, out of kilter affair. But I am aware that I contributed some dumb mistakes in this situation. 

Being in more than friends but less than lovers attachment is no joke, especially if you mope over the guy who isn't throwing the same tons of affection and attention you're giving him. On second thought though, I can tell that he somehow cared. He told me what he's up to, where he was, as well as other news he's most concerned with. I'd like to call it, 'assuming love'--asa ka pang mamahalin at pahahalagahan ka niya--kind of thing. Yeah, it feels like I'm not being reciprocated in the way I deserve them. I've never been his priority. He'd call me and see me only when he feels like doing it. If not, mamatay ka sa paghihintay. 

Like typical buddies, we shared and talked about everything and anything. He knew if I'm upset or happy. It feels like we're sweet today, tomorrow we'll be strangers. In times like this, dumbness and stupidity were my best policies to avoid arguments. i knew things had been wrong from the start but I remained unperturbed. Anyhow, after a few long months of being sober and using up my emotional energy, I grew stale with our one-of-a-kind kinship. I got burned out. It was not easy to let go but it was equally painful to hold on. So I told myself, u-turn is not allowed.

I am alone right now but it's great to find myself again. There's nothing wrong sacrificing for doing everything for love's sake, but I forgot--only if it's worthy. 

Cupid's once again roaming with his arrow and vow and sure I'll be dateless on the 14th. But I find no reason for me not to celebrate it. With my friends and family, love is still all around me.