A birthday means you’re a full year older. This realization causes gradual process of freaking out, usually starting weeks before your special day. By the first week, you’re mulling over goals from five years ago that haven’t been fulfilled. By the last week, you’re tripping over against regret from all the past relationships you’ve had (friendships over and ex boyfriends included) that turned from sweet to sour.
When I was younger, I used to get a bad case of birthday blues. It never failed to show up every year. It’s pretty much like that time of the month. Without logic a rush of emo would come over me and suddenly, I’ll be pointlessly wondering about the meaning of life. Eventually, all my dramatic musings simply end up with me complaining about things I could have done.
I also never figured out the point of celebrating. You’re throwing a party, although you don’t know exactly why you are throwing one. You simply know that there is a party. I wasn’t exactly a people person during my teens, so I never enjoyed being the host.
From time to time I’d still get the blues, but I think it had something to do with maturity. I used to think celebrating your birthday was selfish, and I did not deserve it. Overtime you learn to not be too serious about it.
Last year I’ve had one of the best birthdays in my life. It was special and unique. For the first time in my life, someone had noticed me and turned my life around. He brought me to Our Lady of Manaoag to pray and thank God for the blessings He continuously bestows upon thee. What I’ve had last year was truly unforgettable.
But this year, I wasn’t able to get my birthday wish. I would have wanted to spend an entire day with this one elusive person. I know I should learn NEVER to expect anything to prevent myself from further disappointments with this person. Unfortunately, I had to admit the fact na hindi ko talaga siya kayang ma-afford. When someone hated your idea of fun, when someone does not appreciate your presence in their life, when that someone wasn’t even sure of the exact date of your birthday which also supposedly the day you were somehow expecting to celebrate your ‘anniversary’ of being ‘together’ (?) for a year. Which makes me wonder, teka muna, “Kami pa ba talaga nito? Or matagal na akong holding on to something that wasn’t there in the first place?”
It somehow makes me sad but it is through disappointments like these that I learn from life.
Birthday is the most selfish date on my personal calendar. People are nice to you (even just for a day). They become more tolerant with your actions. You can pretty much do whatever you want because it is your “day” and people will forgive you.
What does a person do when she finds that sliver of a moment when she can say she is without a doubt or pretension--truly happy? Does she attempt to freeze time and capture the moment for all eternity? Or does she simply savor the present and hope that cherished memories of the past will be enough to last her when the moment passes. Getting old doesn't have to mean letting go of all the dreams of childhood. It is possible to be both carefree and responsible adult in equal doses. Life is wonderful and liberating as a child, but you can still try to do this now, only if you choose to do so.
There's this quiet moment in your life when you know your life as you know it has indeed changed. Everything just feels different. Not really bad, just different. After all, the familiar can be as insidious as the unknown. So when you feel your world, your colors and your words are a bit more purple, you know you're about to turn a curve.
