Fighting for a Love I thought Was Worth Fighting For

Sabi nga ng awitin ni Justin Bieber, “Love Yourself.” Matagal bago ko napagtanto na hindi ko pala masyadong mahal ang sarili ko. Ganyan ka rin ba katulad ko? Bihira lang ako kung magmahal, pero pag nagmahal ako, todo, ibinubuhos ko ang lahat ng kaya ko para lang sa taong pinakamamahal ko. Pero hindi pala dapat ganun. Mali pala yun paraan na ganoon.

I promised to love myself from now on more than anyone else. I thought what I had with *Orange was amazing—it was a great feeling to be in a relationship. He could make me laugh and we both loved to converse and eat out a lot. He was the first guy I went out on an actual date with and he was also my very first kiss. I could easily open up to him without worrying about being judged. I trusted him more than anyone else. I trusted him to never hurt me. But he did. Almost effortlessly. 

I knew the moment would come when we would eventually break up. But I’m on the verge of trying to hold on to what’s left. But the pain I felt was unbearable. It was something that I thought only happened in the movies. The rich leading man’s mom was belittling his chosen partner and treating her poorly. But it happened, and I couldn’t take it anymore. Orange didn't had the balls to protect me. He has allowed her to treat me that way. I just couldn’t imagine how someone could say those judgmental words to a human being. Inalipusta niya ako at tinawag ng mga salitang hindi ko naman karapatdapat na matanggap. In my mind, "Alam ko na wala naman akong masamang ginawa laban sa anak niya." Ang bukod tangi kong kasalanan (kung ito nga ay maituturing na isang pagkakasala) ay ang nagmahal ako ng isang lalaking nagmula sa isang angkan na may kaya sa buhay. Every day, I ask myself if he was able to sleep well while I would cry myself to sleep after what he put me through.

The breakup was so painful even if I had already expected it long before it happened, and I could’ve been one who stayed away. But yes, I endured those times to fight for that love I thought was worth fighting for. And it was one of the biggest mistakes of my life---fighting for him, for that love, while forgetting the fact I also had to love myself first. 

Masakit ang pagdadaanan ko. Alam naman nating lahat na hindi ganun kadaling makapag-move on di ba? Pero kakayanin ko ito. Hindi kailanman naging madali ang kumawala sa anino ng isang taong minahal mo ng todo at pinagbuhusan mo ng panahon at atensyon regardless kung ilang buwan o ilang taon pa tumagal ang relasyon ninyo. 

And just like any other broken hearted person, I cried buckets of tears. Where do broken hearts go? I don’t have the budget to go elsewhere. I would unload my baggage, and with the help of my friends and the love of my family, from there, I hope to start fresh, on a clean slate. I need to tell myself I no longer need Orange to make me happy again. That I can learn to love myself and be independent. 

For you, Orange, I want to wish for your happiness, but sadly, I had to accept the fact I’m no longer be part of it. I’m still thankful for teaching me how to trust and love myself a little bit more. I just hope one day, you will learn how to respect the people you believe to be beneath you.

Au revoir! Someday we’ll meet again and I promise that when that time comes, you won’t see a trace of hatred or sadness on my face, only a genuine smile. 

Disclaimer: Ang blog post na ito ay hindi nangangahulugan na sumasalamin sa tunay na buhay ng manunulat ng blog na ito. Maaaring isa itong kathang-isip lamang o nagmula sa salaysay ng isang kaibigan o kakilala. Anumang pagkakatulad nito sa inyong kwento ay nagkataon lamang.